Tuesday, April 16, 2013

My Beautiful Broken Shell


It has been almost four months since my Mom passed away and seven months since my dog, Bella passed away.  The grieving process is slow and I have missed them both very much every single day.

Yesterday, I went to visit my sister, the place where my Mom lived and where I would go to take care of her.  Everything reminded me of her, including the walk up to the apartment.  But, as we were going through some of her things, I was reminded of this little book I had given to my Mom back in January of 2000.

I gave it to her during one of her many bouts with depression.  I wrote inside the book this message to my Mom:
"Dear Mom,
A new year is here and a new beginning for you.  I hope this book will help make you feel better and give you new hope to let go of the past and to live in the present.
Love Always,
Patty-Ann ☺♥"
 
Needless to say, when I came back home, before going inside my apartment, it was a beautiful, sunny day outside so I decided to just sit in front of my building and open the book to look at it.  I noticed that right after the page I had written my note to her on it, was a page scribbled with some words on it.  Mind you, I could tell this was probably written during her last months with Alzheimer's, so nothing makes a lot of sense, but it said:

"To Patty-Ann
From Mom
Your Grannd and mother and son" 

I can only assume she was thinking of me, her grandaughter, Katie and her son, Michael.

I sat there in the sun and read the entire little book. It's filled with beautiful pictures and it's a beautiful little story about a woman who takes a walk on the ocean and finds a broken shell. At first she leaves it to search for more perfect ones.  But then she goes back to the broken shell and realizes that this is her with her broken heart.

An excerpt from the book:
"This shell is people who are hurting...people who have lost loved ones...people who are frightened or alone, people with unfulfilled dreams.
This shell has had to fight so hard to keep from being totally crushed by the pounding surf...just as I have had to.
Yet this shell is still out on the beautiful sandy shore....just as I am.
... 
Broken shells mean lots of tears...lots of pain...lots of struggle..but they are also valuable for teaching faith, courage, and strength.
Broken shells are shells that have been tested...and tried...and hurt...yet they don't quit. They continue to be. 
As I look at my beautiful broken shell, I see that it has nothing to hide. It doesn't pretend to be perfect or whole..its brokenness is clear for everyone to see.

Thank you, Lord, for embracing my shell...whether I am whole or broken.
Thank you, Lord for all that I learn from my brokenness...for the courage it takes to live with my pain...and for the strength it takes to remain on the shore." 

There is a lot more in the book. It is well written, simple, and beautiful. I always enjoyed giving my Mom these little poetry books whether she read them or not.  It was my way of showing her I cared how she felt and always hoped somehow it would uplift her, or make her feel a little better.  This little book expresses the honesty of heartbreak as well as the hope of healing.  We are all broken shells, but we each have a purpose on this earth. We each have our own special beauty...our own unique pattern that was put there by you...God.

The one thing I felt after reading the book in front of my apartment was how odd it was that I had given this book to help my mother, but now I was the one feeling so broken and lost and how she had written "To Patty-Ann" on the second page, like as if it was meant to be passed down for me to read now.  I felt a sense of peace. It's funny how that works like I was trying to help her, but now here she is, even though she's gone, trying to help me get through this sense of loss and pain.



Sunday, March 10, 2013

Let It Begin


Let it begin -Julie Yardley Such a beautiful song. When I need strength and hope.


You might think
That no one's been through
What you're going through

And you might think
That nobody's made
The same mistakes as you

You are feeling
The weight of the world on your shoulders
Turn it over

Chorus:
Just have the courage to take one step
Someone's going to be there to help with the rest
To start is the hardest
But it's something that only you can do
Don't carry the burden as the years go by
You don't need that crushing weight in your life
Have faith to pray
For the strength to finally see this through

There's One who knows you perfectly
He can take the hurt away
The healing starts within- just let Him in
And let it begin

You've tried hard
To hide from the past
And to bury it deep

You're overwhelmed
By all of the things
That you know you should be

Just believe
Mistakes of the past don't define you
They refine you
Chorus

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Hollow


One night I dreamt that word
Hollow
I guess that's how I feel
Empty
Lost
Void that can't be filled
I pray
I cry
I pray
I cry
Every day I miss you
more and more
and more

Hollow.



Sunday, December 23, 2012

MERRY CHRISTMAS


Jesus was born in Bethlehem in a stable. And that's the reason we celebrate Christmas.

God loves us no matter what it might look like around us. Jesus was born in a stable, which is a place where animals are kept. He had to sleep in a manger, which is the box where you put the food for animals.

God loved Jesus, his only Son, and He told Jesus this many times.
...
For instance, when Jesus was baptized, a voice from heaven said, 'This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased.' " (Matthew 3:17, NIV).

Wouldn't you think if God loved Jesus so much, He would have given Him a better place to be born? at least a nice clean bed to sleep in?

But instead, Jesus came into the world just like many of the rest of us. Not in a palace, but in a very ordinary place.

So don't think that if you don't live in a palace that God doesn't love you as much as He loves other people. God loves you no matter what it might look like where you live.

Where you live doesn't make you special to God. How much money you make, or your status in life doesn't make you special to God. You're special to Him because He created you. He made you different than anyone else around you, and different than anyone else who has ever been born. Your eyes are different, your hair is different, even your fingerprints are different.

The Bible says that God knew each one of us before we're even born.

If you don't feel very special, or wonder if God really loves you, remember where Jesus was born. And then remember that He loves you very much, too.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

EVERY PICTURE TELLS A STORY

Who is David Archuleta? These two pictures say it all. Nothing really needs to be said. His smile is given to both, whether it be the President of the United States or washing the feet of a leper in India.  This is all you need to know about who David Archuleta is besides his glorious voice. Oh yes, and the man can sing too!


David Archuleta Announces His Mission 12/19/11

Today is the Anniversary of when David made his announcement in Salt Lake City, Utah that he would be going on his Mission. It was the saddest day for me. I watched it happening on a livestream. Right before my very eyes I was hearing that he was going away for 2 years and giving up his career. I balled my eyes out. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I couldn't understand the cheering and the applauding. It totally threw me off. I didn't understand why people were cheering for someone who was leaving for 2 years. I still cannot really watch this video. It has been 9 months and I'm still here waiting for his return. I know now today that this is what he really wanted to do and something he had to do. I understand better today the reason for the applause because they were proud of him even though I still don't really like that part of it. I cried for weeks maybe more after this announcement. Sometimes I'm still sad that he's gone. But today is a day to HONOR HIM for making this decision, so I am going to post the video. David is a young man who always follows his heart no matter what and that is something I've learned from him. He is true to himself, his values and his beliefs. His music represents that as well. I love David Archuleta. Through his music and his caring personality ... that is why I am still here waiting for his return in 2014.




Thursday, December 13, 2012

My Sweet Bella



It was a beautiful sunny day in March. The year was 2000. My neighbor, Sal, had lost yet another dog in his life. I remember his 3 dogs. I felt bad for him and wanted to
get him another dog. We called the shelters and they wouldn't allow an 86 year old to adopt a puppy. They said if I put it in my name and was the owner than we could.

We went to North Shore Animal League. We didn't find the one that spoke out to us....yet. So I asked if they had any in the back that we haven't seen? The girl brought out Bella and said well, she's not as pretty as the others. That made me want her more. She was pretty to me. I didn't know what she meant by that. Bella had a black muzzle and perhaps it was that. I didn't question what she meant.  But I took Bella and began to play with her. She was only 2 months old. As big as my foot. She seemed playful and inquisitive.  So, Sal agreed we would adopt her and on the car ride home I asked Sal to choose a name for her. He was an Italian man and he named her Bella. I asked him why Bella? He said: I don't know.  It means Beautiful in Italian. So, I liked it and said OK.  We made an agreement that he could raise her in his apt. We lived on the same floor. We spoke about if he died, I would take her and raise her since she really was in my name. Sal raised Bella for two years. But for those two years, I went into his apt. every day to see him and Bella. I loved playing with Bella, watching her grow. Sal and I agreed that if he passed away I would take Bella into my apt. I even had him sign a piece of paper for me because I knew my Landlord was trouble.  I walked Bella, I even took her to the vet whenever she was sick. Sal was old fashioned. He didn't believe too much in Vets so he never paid me anything when I took her. But I didn't care. I loved Bella.



        

 Bella loved chasing squirrels.  She loved just sitting outside and greeting all the people that passed by.  Everyone loved Bella and would said hello to her. Sal told me that Bella knew when it was 5:00 pm every day.  I asked him what do you mean?
He said Bella knows when you're coming home from work.  Every day at 5:00 pm she runs to sit on my lap in the bedroom where I look out the window because she's looking for you. She knows you're coming home from work soon. And sure enough every day when I came home there was Bella looking out the window on Sal's lap. She would bark and immediately jump and fly off his lap to the door! haha

Everyone in the building loved Bella. We actually would play ball with her in the hallway and anyone who came through the lobby was greeted by Bella and her ball and they would all play with her.  Bella was a great ball player. She was a great pitcher, you could throw the ball high up in the air and she would back up like a pitcher and catch it in her mouth. She also loved when you kicked the ball. She was like a goalie in a hockey game, she would watch the angle of your foot and how you would kick the ball, so it was very hard to get the ball passed her.  I would go in and visit with them.

Sal grew older and sicker. He soon needed an aide. I would walk Bella every day. Sal eventually got really sick one day. Bella saw the whole thing. The EMTs came and Sal got rushed into the hospital and was in a coma. He never made it through. It seemed like during Sal's last days Bella wanted to go home with me and didn't even want to stay with Sal. Maybe she knew he was dying, I don't know.  A few times I caught Sal hitting her and I didn't like that.  I told him to please not do that, she's just a puppy.  I know he loved her, but I really didn't like seeing that and I told him how much that bothered me.  I know he didn't mean it.  He thought he was disciplining her.  I believe he didn't do it often.  Part of me wanted to take her away from him, and yet the other part of me knew I gave Bella to him to raise because I felt sorry for him that he lost his dogs and he seemed sad without one.  All I know is that she seemed so sad for me to leave and she didn't want to go in Sal's apt. anymore.  At one point, she would always go to my door but I had to bring her and leave her with Sal.  When Sal died, I took Bella in my apartment. She never looked back it seems.  She seemed to love being in my apartment from day one. I like to think that somehow she knew I had adopted her and was her owner even though the first two years of her life she lived with Sal.  The Landlord immediately sent me an eviction notice the very next day.  He said this is Sal's dog, not yours.  I hired a pet attorney and won the case. There was no way I was going to give up on Bella or live without her by my side.  Anyway, the years went on and I truly loved Bella. She became old and had a tumor, became blind and got diabetes. I felt so bad she could no longer play ball or chase squirrels or see anything anymore. But she knew her home.

Bella helped me very much emotionally.  She was there for me.  When I cried she licked my tears.  When I was sad she knew it.  When I was mad she left me alone and walked in another room.  When I wanted a hug, she was there for me.  When I was happy she knew it.  Sometimes you can just share your feelings and say things with a dog that you can't share with anyone and they just have a way of comforting you.  We just had a strong bond between us. I would speak to her like a human being and she knew things I would say. A lot of people in the bldg. couldn't believe how smart she was. She was the smartest dog I ever had. Bella was friendly and whenever I would tell her to say "hello" she would go up to people and say "hello" and wag.   I taught her how to "high five"! :)  If I wanted to throw the ball I would say "back up" and she did...she was so cute.  Sit, lay down, roll over, give me kiss, "go get the ball", "where's the squirrel".  She would go nuts with that one.  She loved squirrels. She loved squeaky toys and boy, did she love all the treats I would buy her.  Bella also loved playing in the snow.

Every night I said: Say Goodnight Bella. I love you. See you in the morning.  She truly was my best friend.

I kept telling Bella to let me know when it's time because I didn't want her to die alone and I didn't want her to be in pain or suffer.  I wanted to be there with her and she did let me know.

The night I came home from visiting my Mom there she was lying under my bed.
She never lied under my bed like that. I could just tell she didn't seem right.  I tried to give her some food and water, but she couldnt even lift her head up anymore. She had no more energy left in her but she was still breathing and she did lick my fingers.

So I had to take her by myself to have her put to sleep. I'll never forget carrying her out to the taxi cab wrapped in a blanket knowing this was the last time I would see her.  Her head was resting on my neck and shoulder in the taxi cab. I knew this was it. We were saying goodbye to each other.

The saddest day of my life.  I will never forget you, Bella.  You brought me so much joy, and love, and laughter.  You gave me unconditional love and helped me in so many ways.  I miss you every single day. Not a day goes by I dont think of you.
I still cry and wish you were here to comfort me. I still wish I could hold you
and pet you and play with you and talk to you. I remember a few days before you passed away I was laying in my bed and looking down at you sleeping next to me on the floor.  I remember saying to myself, this is all I need. This is what I love. Just being
here with you.

It was a beautiful sunny day in September. The year was 2012.
I buried Bella in Bide-a-Wee cemetary with my first dog, Sparky.
They both have stones with their names on it.
I hope I see both of them again in Heaven.
Bella was my strength, my friend, my comfort till the end.

Merry Christmas, Bella. You will always be in my heart.