Dear God, Speak gently in my silence.

When the loud outer noises of my surroundings
and the loud inner noises of my fears
keep pulling me away from you,
help me to trust that you are still there
Even when I am unable to hear you.
Give me ears to listen to your small, soft voice saying:
“Come to me, you who are overburdened, and I will give you rest…
For I am a gentle and humble of heart.”
Let that loving voice be my guide. Amen.

(Henri J. M. Nouwen)

Divine Intervention

Today, at work I was looking out the window at the beautiful blue sky and I started to have a conversation with God.  I asked him, God can you hear me? I mean, really hear me?  I know so many people out here are suffering with so many tragic things going on in their life, but I just wish you could give me some guidance, or show me some divine mercy or divine wisdom.  Is my Mom okay?

Then, I went back to work. At lunchtime, I went out for a short walk and as I was walking I looked down.  I always look down when I walk.  I think I picked that up from my Mom.  Because she was a cleaner she always had to look down to pick up things when she worked in the theater.  A lot of people have told me when I walk, I look down.  I am always looking at the sidewalks.

Then, as I was looking down, I saw a bronze heart.  It was like a little charm that someone must have lost from a necklace so I picked it up and put it in my pocket.  I truly believe that was God's little sign to me that he was listening to me and had heard me.

It would take a special person to break down the walls I've built for myself
because the pain of betrayal, rejection, feeling unloved & hurt, is not worth the risk.
The only one I let in is God -- for he is compassionate, kind, forgiving & merciful.

Passenger - The Way That I Love You (Lyric Video)

SUCH BEAUTIFUL LYRICS!



"The Way That I Love You"

How many times can I tell you
You're lovely just the way you are
Don't let the world come and change you
Don't let life break your heart

Don't put on their mask, don't wear their disguise
Don't let them dim the light that shines in your eyes
If only you could love yourself the way that I love you

How many times can I say
You don't have to change a thing
Don't let the tide wash you away
Don't let worry ever clip your wings

Discard what is fake, keep what is real
Pursue what you love, embrace how you feel
If only you could love yourself the way that I love you

And if you ever choose a road that leads nowhere
All alone and you can't see right from wrong
And if you ever lose yourself out there
Come on home and I'll sing you this song

So how many times can I tell you
You're lovely just the way you are
Don't let the world come and change you
Don't let life break your heart

This year has been really hard for me.
Back in 2012 when Bella and my Mom died was another difficult year.
Actually, every year since then has been difficult.
Nothing has ever been the same.

I've learned some really hard lessons.
Like who is really a friend to me.

I've had so many negative thoughts running around in my mind that just don't seem to want to go away.  They keep popping up and they're hard to push away.
I have felt drained, and exhausted by them.

Feelings of worthlessness, unloved, rejection, abandonment by people I really cared for and still care about.

Feelings of why doesn't anyone think of me.

Life is really simple. Everyone wants to feel loved and understood.

I thank God every day for my family and those who want me in their life.

I have regrets that I have tried with all my heart to correct and make right.
I have seeked forgiveness but it didn't work out.
I feel hated at times.

I feel misunderstood. When people don't really know you, they really don't know your motives, or how much you cared about them.

Social media is a disaster for me. Too much comparison. Makes me feel more left out and uncared for, ignored and like I'm just a nobody.


I'm so glad that I've been a fan of David Archuleta's.  His talks and music I've been blessed by.
I feel his words so much and understand things he talks about.  Especially when he talks about insecurities, weaknesses, negativity.  It can be so draining and debilitating.  He wrote two songs called Numb and Paralyzed, how ironic.

I talk to God every day.  I seek his wisdom and guidance in my life.
He suffered while he was here too. People hated him and rejected him too.
He still loved people. I do too. Even those who hate me.

He was born in a filthy manger, the Son of God made it that way. Not on a high throne.
Jesus despised greedy people.  Money is the root of all evil.

Jesus came to teach us humility. To sit with the poor and feed the hungry.

Every thing I go through in life I lean on this verse: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding". Proverbs 3:5

A boy was born on Christmas to bring peace to the world
A boy was born on Christmas to teach love to the world
Sometimes I think that Man has forgotten this young boy
This boy was born on Christmas to bring peace to the world
How sad he'd be this Christmas to see men fight in this world
How sad he'd be this Christmas to see hate grow in this world
I wish that he could come back and show us love again
we're born again on Christmas and bring peace to the world


https://open.spotify.com/track/03ltGV3QnRrdpY8KZANiB0

spotify:track:03ltGV3QnRrdpY8KZANiB0

some days you just feel like everyone has just left you and forgotten about you

Social Media and Isolation

Social media has made me feel more isolated than ever.
I feel like we are living in a different era altogether in how we communicate with others.
I'm glad I grew up before all of this.
I find myself lately feeling very disconnected to people.

I have a hard time talking in short sentences or blips, like txt messaging,
character tweet limits, even facebook.

I feel like social media has cheapened the value of a true friendship,
the closeness and intimacy of a family member or friend.

When we talk in short blips we cannot possibly get the full spectrum
of a person. How they're feeling, their voice, their tone, getting to know them,
what is really going on with them. Giving them a true connection.

I'm really missing closeness with people.
It's too easy now to just disengage if you don't like what someone says.
To me it's a poor excuse to not get to fully know someone.
It gives people an easy way out.
Any relationship whether it be family or friends takes time to build and get to know one another.
Social media is an escape from that.
I think people go on it to have fun and not deal with people really.

My Grace Is Sufficient For You

LET IT BEGIN - JULIE YARDLEY

You might think
That no one's been through
What you're going through

And you might think
That nobody's made
The same mistakes as you

You are feeling
The weight of the world on your shoulders
Turn it over

[Chorus:]
Just have the courage to take one step
Someone's gonna be there to help with the rest
To start is the hardest
But it's something that only you can do
Don't carry the burden as the years go by
You don't need that crushing weight in your life
Have faith to pray
For the strength to finally see this through

There's One who knows you perfectly
He can take the hurt away
The healing starts within- just let Him in
And let it begin

You've tried hard
To hide from the past
And to bury it deep

You're overwhelmed
By all of the things
That you know you should be

Just believe
Mistakes of the past don't define you
They refine you

[Chorus:]
Just have the courage to take one step
Someone's gonna be there to help with the rest
To start is the hardest
But it's something that only you can do
Don't carry the burden as the years go by
You don't need that crushing weight in your life
Have faith to pray
For the strength to finally see this through

There's One who knows you perfectly
He can take the hurt away
The healing starts within- just let Him in
And let it begin

The healing starts within- just let Him in
And let it begin

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BNFHliw2fLE

My journey. My struggles.

When someone misjudges you
It can hurt like hell
But you must hold on to the tiniest spark of hope
and love for yourself

One wrong move and everyone judges you
God doesn't hold on to your wrongdoings
Thank God he doesn't
or we'd all be in Hell.

Love one another as I have loved you
Forgive as I have forgiven you

Reminder that God sees your worth
Even if others don't

When you tried your best
Yet still failed
Remember that you don't have to be invincible
You just have to Trust God

God's plan is bigger than your mistakes

A word of encouragement during a failure is worth more than an hour of praise after success.

"Nobody can bring you peace but yourself." Ralph Waldo Emerson

You Matter

Shepherd of My Soul

We are all made differently. We all have our own challenges our own crosses to bear. Listen with your heart and no matter how low you feel, never give up Hope. You are here for a reason. I don't care how much I pour my heart out anymore, that is how God made me.

https://youtu.be/CAtFsfQT5ZM

God, in my desperate plea

God, in my desperate plea please hear me.
No one understands how I feel but you.
This feeling of feeling unloved, uncared for, unwanted is deeply ingrained in me.
No matter how much I do, or say, or feel my heart hurts and aches
for a pure heart and soul connection.

I am human. I make mistakes. I want to be loved.

Always seeking.
Always searching for truth.

I feel I am not worthy of love.

I miss my Mom and Dad and Bella.

Choose Love over Hate

Choose Love over Hate

I realize that today is the age of "spewing hate" online and everywhere.
and it falls under the category of "freedom of speech" and "it's just my opinion" and
I'm entitled to say "whatever I want".

Children do it.
Teenagers do it.
Adults do it.

But when did we fall so far away from being human beings and having values of
love, care and respect for one another.

We don't always have to agree with one another, but it is important that we lean to
respect each other.

I just wish that people would realize that "spewing hate"
of any kind, hurts someone, damages someone, and can create more
mental health issues for our society.

When you spew hate at someone that other person can internalize
that hate and start to feel

rejected
worthless
at worst, suicidal,

or start to feel
anger
frustration and
at worst, lead to violence

spewing hate can lead to bullying and violence

spewing hate can destroy friendships, relationships

I just hope and pray that people will realize that spewing hate
of any kind is never a good thing. It always hurts someone out there.
Until we learn to start caring again, and caring about hurting others, damaging others
and realizing that hate creates more problems mentally and emotionally,
we will never realize that love is more powerful than hate.

Love builds.
Hate destroys.

While I know guns physically kill people and everyone says focus on
mental health, I also hope that people realize that the tongue and our words
emotionally kill people and increases those mental health issues.
Maybe there would be less damaged people in the world if we started to care again
about the words we say that spew hatred.

I know there are times in life that make everyone angry but I also believe that hatred never does any good and we still need to eventually come back to love.  I still believe that love is the answer.

I wish we would return to those values of old
where it's more important to be nice than to mean.
to care about others again, and to be wise enough to know
and to teach children that differing of opinions
does not have to lead to spewing of hate
for after all we are all in this world together.

I'm actually thinking of giving up social media because it just makes me sad and it always reminds me of how few friends I have.David Archuleta has talked about it. And he's right. You compare your life with others and feel like everyone else is having a better time, more friends, etc. etc. Maybe I post sad things, maybe I post things people are not interested in, maybe I post religious things. But whatever the case may be. I am different.and social media leaves me feeling empty at the end of the day. I just don't have the energy to post sometimes. I thank those who have stood by me and remained my friend.

And one day, just like that, she got tired of pouring out her feelings, while no one listened.

Some people have low self-esteem and it's really not their fault.
Maybe they grew up in a home not receiving that love and nurturing
at a young age. Maybe their parents died or weren't around.
Maybe they were still a kid but had to grow up fast and be an adult.
Maybe they lived in bad situations where there was alcohol or drug
abuse.

Low self-esteem is a deeply embedded wound.
Perhaps a person was emotionally abused or physically abused.

Perhaps they suffer from abandonment and rejection issues.
Maybe in school they were made fun of.

It is hard to love others when you don't love yourself.
It can take a lifetime of developing self-esteem.

You have to reaffirm to yourself every day that you have value
and worth and certain situations will remind you of all these
bad feelings again resurfacing, rejection, abandonment each
time they occur.

That is why I love David's new CD - Postcards in the Sky.

These songs help me to believe in myself. Find my voice.
Know that I was put here on this Earth for a reason.

His music gives me hope and faith and a sense of connection
with something. If not people, than God himself.

One of my favorite songs on his new album is
SAY ME

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j5hBkBht4PI

The months of November, December and January are very hard for me.
I love the Holidays of Thanksgiving and Christmas and the mark of a New Year.
I love the season of Autumn. I love the changing colors of leaves. I love the
cool weather. I love the snow but not so much walking in it if it's icy outside
because I'm afraid of falling.

But at the same time they are reminders of me of things that have happened
in my life that are sad.  It seems around these holidays is when bad or sad
things have happened in my life.

New Year's reminds me of two break-ups with boyfriends I've had in the past.
My Dad passed away around Thanksgiving.
My Mom passed away  on December 28th between Christmas and New Year's
and New Year's Eve the night Times Square is lit up with happy faces to ring
in the New Year I was going to her burial.

My dog who meant everything to me passed away September 10th.

So as much as I try to be happy during these Holidays they are bittersweet for me.

I still try and look forward to them but it's really hard for me. They are overshadowed
with melancholy for good reason. I will always miss those I loved.

But I will also try to remain present in the moment, cherish the memories I have yet
to make and continue to accept my feelings (good or bad) that exist in my heart.
I feel it is important to accept our feelings during difficult times.  To pretend or deny they
are not there...it only makes one feel worse.

So now I just try to remain in the present moment, make new memories and continue
to embrace whatever feeling shows up for me and accept it with all my heart.

Just knowing that God is always there for me and knows what's in my heart helps to get
me through whenever I am feeling sad or down.

People think they know you, but they really don't. My past, things I've been through, if they only knew the things I've overcome, they probably wouldn't even believe it or think it. But, I know. I need to look at this more and be proud how far I've come. My life has not been easy so many struggles but I just keep going. Unfortunately, there's no one safe I feel comfortable enough with to share my story.

My Faith Anchors Me

My faith anchors me. I'm so grateful and glad that I have faith in God. It's such a comfort to me knowing He is always there for me. Through every trial and disappointment, and heartbreak, I know he cares about me.  Without God in my life, I don't know where I'd be. His grace is sufficient.