It has been almost four months since my Mom passed away and seven months since my dog, Bella passed away. The grieving process is slow and I have missed them both very much every single day.
Yesterday, I went to visit my sister, the place where my Mom lived and where I would go to take care of her. Everything reminded me of her, including the walk up to the apartment. But, as we were going through some of her things, I was reminded of this little book I had given to my Mom back in January of 2000.
I gave it to her during one of her many bouts with depression. I wrote inside the book this message to my Mom:
"Dear Mom,
A new year is here and a new beginning for you. I hope this book will help make you feel better and give you new hope to let go of the past and to live in the present.
Love Always,
Patty-Ann ☺♥"Needless to say, when I came back home, before going inside my apartment, it was a beautiful, sunny day outside so I decided to just sit in front of my building and open the book to look at it. I noticed that right after the page I had written my note to her on it, was a page scribbled with some words on it. Mind you, I could tell this was probably written during her last months with Alzheimer's, so nothing makes a lot of sense, but it said:
"To Patty-Ann
From Mom
Your Grannd and mother and son"
I can only assume she was thinking of me, her grandaughter, Katie and her son, Michael.
I sat there in the sun and read the entire little book. It's filled with beautiful pictures and it's a beautiful little story about a woman who takes a walk on the ocean and finds a broken shell. At first she leaves it to search for more perfect ones. But then she goes back to the broken shell and realizes that this is her with her broken heart.
An excerpt from the book:
"This shell is people who are hurting...people who have lost loved ones...people who are frightened or alone, people with unfulfilled dreams.
This shell has had to fight so hard to keep from being totally crushed by the pounding surf...just as I have had to.
Yet this shell is still out on the beautiful sandy shore....just as I am.
...
Broken shells mean lots of tears...lots of pain...lots of struggle..but they are also valuable for teaching faith, courage, and strength.
Broken shells are shells that have been tested...and tried...and hurt...yet they don't quit. They continue to be.
As I look at my beautiful broken shell, I see that it has nothing to hide. It doesn't pretend to be perfect or whole..its brokenness is clear for everyone to see.
Thank you, Lord, for embracing my shell...whether I am whole or broken.
Thank you, Lord for all that I learn from my brokenness...for the courage it takes to live with my pain...and for the strength it takes to remain on the shore."
There is a lot more in the book. It is well written, simple, and beautiful. I always enjoyed giving my Mom these little poetry books whether she read them or not. It was my way of showing her I cared how she felt and always hoped somehow it would uplift her, or make her feel a little better. This little book expresses the honesty of heartbreak as well as the hope of healing. We are all broken shells, but we each have a purpose on this earth. We each have our own special beauty...our own unique pattern that was put there by you...God.
The one thing I felt after reading the book in front of my apartment was how odd it was that I had given this book to help my mother, but now I was the one feeling so broken and lost and how she had written "To Patty-Ann" on the second page, like as if it was meant to be passed down for me to read now. I felt a sense of peace. It's funny how that works like I was trying to help her, but now here she is, even though she's gone, trying to help me get through this sense of loss and pain.
