My Little Prayer

He followed his heart.
When I think of the word "integrity", I think of David Archuleta.
He is not above anyone.
When I think of the word "humility", I think of David Archuleta.
This video.

His grace.
God's love.

There are difficult times in our lives. We all struggle.
Those are the times we must pour into our Faith and Trust.

I am learning that God has a plan for me.

I sympathize and empathize with the lowly, the disheartened,
the meek, the people who feel unloved or unwanted, or left out.
The people who feel so unworthy and insecure.
The people who don't believe in themselves.
The people who feel misunderstood and mistreated.
The people who feel no one cares.

I hope and pray for them.
I hope I can encourage them to believe a little more in themselves.
I hope and pray I can encourage someone or lift someone up.

I just want to do my little part in this world.
I want to leave behind me love, encouragement, and faith
that God hears us and knows our struggles even when we don't
feel it, even at our weakest.

This song represents Faith and Trust and Hope and Love to me.

Have Patience

Think about it, we don't turn to God half as much when things are happy.
We usually turn to God when we are upset, or hurt, or angry, or feeling
stressful, or worried.  So don't resent those hard times because they are
there for a reason.  Every time you are hurting or upset or angry it is teaching
you something about yourself.  So if we only had happy and joyful times we
wouldn't learn as much would we?  Those hard times bring us closer to God.
Those hard times teach us more about patience and enduring.  Those hard
times teach us to look in the mirror at ourselves.  Every time you want to blame
someone for how you're feeling...look within. It's teaching you something about
yourself and that is where your hidden beauty lies, your blessings when you
truly take the time to look within.  I thank God for these moments because I
know I learn the most from them.  It's good to be happy but I don't feel we turn
to God and talk to him half as much as when we are hurting.

The bad times help us appreciate the good times even more so, so that when
they do occur I turn more and more to God to thank him for them.

I wake up and talk to God.  I sometimes talk to God throughout the day.
I could be just walking to the store and I talk to him, or riding the subway and
I think of him.  He is the constant in my life that I keep turning to.

So have patience with yourself through the good times and the bad times.

part of me...

part of me is sad
part of me is anxious
It's really a struggle just to feel good.
it's a struggle when you feel like
no one appreciates you

Poetry

I found my heart broken
beyond repair
Until a shimmer of hope arose
within the despair
it was just a shimmer
it does not stay
God's love is constant
Just go to him and pray
#poetry

When I let go of all my attachments
I began to find myself
Who I really am
#poetry

I've come to realize that my whole
existence has been one of
learning to love myself.
#poetry

I love to pray and talk to God
He knows me
#poetry

Happiness

Happiness --

Hard to explain.
I never feel it.
I'm too concerned about all the bad things that go on in the world.
All the hatred.

I'm trying so hard to just work on myself and find peace within me
and to love myself for who I am.

I've suffered a lot of loss in life and it's just been really hard to just be OK.

There are too many people in the world who suffer to be Happy.
There are too many people in need to be happy.

I feel too guilty to be happy.
There are too many less fortunate people to be happy.

I can't say I am never Happy.
There ARE moments that bring me happiness.
But, for the most part, I do not necessarily feel it inside.

I am grateful for every day little things.
But, my mind always is thinking about the bad things that go
on in the world.  The people who lose others unexpectedly,
or in an accident, and when I think of all the people who
suffer through tragedies, of any kind, I just cannot FEEL HAPPY.

Reflections on Father's Day

Today I am thinking about my Dad.  My Dad passed away at the age of 52 from cirrhosis of the liver. I was just 14. He passed away around Thanksgiving.  I remember the day after he passed away I went to school but I couldn't focus.  The teacher asked me what was wrong and I started to cry and said my Dad passed away.  She wondered why I was in school that day. I honestly don't know why and she sent me home.  To be honest.  I didn't really want to go home.  What was I supposed to do at home now that my Dad was gone?  You see, my Mom worked and I always remember being at home with my Dad.

I remember watching TV with my Dad.
Listening to music with my Dad.
My Dad telling me stories about his family and about him being in WWII.

I enjoyed my Dad's company, even though he drank, even though there are memories and
episodes of his drinking I did not like.

I remember at one time in school when all the kids ate lunch in the cafeteria, but I didn't
enjoy being around the big square table eating with all the kids and I just wanted to go home and be with my Dad.  So I did, and of course, got in trouble for doing so.

But, I remember sitting at the table and my Dad making me a can of Campbell's Chunky
soup and maybe a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  It may not be much, but I enjoyed that.

I remember Dad always playing music, especially when he drank. But I'll never forget that
music.  That music influenced my whole life.  He liked the Big Band era and dancing the boogie woogie.  He loved the oldies, like Petula Clark, Dusty Springfield, Nat King Cole, Vicki Carr, but he also loved the music me and my sister enjoyed, like the Jackson 5, The Osmonds, David Cassidy, and Motown.  My Dad loved these two songs by Marvin Gaye that he used to play constantly.  "What's Going On" and "Mercy Mercy Me".  Those 2 songs will forever remind me of my Dad whenever I hear them.

Another memory I have is how much he loved watching the Jerry Lewis Telethon every year.  And one year it's like I made a bet (with myself I think) to see how long I could stay up all night and watch the whole thing with him.  I remember, I almost made it, but fell asleep at some point.

As much as there were many sleepless nights, and tired days due to episodes of his drinking,
I loved my Dad and saw him as a very sensitive, good hearted, loving, vulnerable person
whose passion for good music and good singers remained with me.

The disease was not my Dad.  My Dad was my companion growing up and I miss him.

It's Up To You!

It's Up To You!

Have you made someone happy,

or made someone sad,

What have you done with

the day that you had?

God gave it to you

to do just as you would.

Did you do what was wicked,

or do what was good.

Did you hand out a smile,

or just give em' a frown?

Did you lift someone up,

or push someone down?

Did you lighten some load,

or some progress impede?

Did you look for a rose,

or just gather a weed?

What did you do with

your beautiful day?

God gave it to you,

did you throw it away?

     -Unknown-

Road To Me

  self-dis·cov·er·y

      noun

1. the process of acquiring insight into one's own character.

     I spend an awful lot of time thinking and working on my self-esteem.

     I guess it's never too late.

     It's been badly damaged for SO long.

     I am proud of myself (and by proud, I don't mean, proud--boastful),

     I mean proud of how much work I've put into making myself feel

     better about myself.

     I need to know I am worth it.

     It's a long Road To ME.

JUST BE LOVE

We can choose to focus on loving things and being loving
Or we can choose to focus on hateful things and being hateful
Contribute to Love or contribute to Hate
The Power of ONE
Be the Change
Be an Example
We can only each do our part in this world
But each one of us is in control of our own actions,
our own words, our own behavior.

We all have different faiths, beliefs, ideas, lifestyles
We may not all agree, but we can show each other respect
Embrace each other's differences
Just BE Love
What if we didn't judge each other so harshly
Respecting each other is not agreeing but respecting each other is loving each other.

We are all in this world together
Just BE Love
There is no need to put down others.
There is no need to be condescending to each other.
We are all human beings
No Life is more valuable than another

BE Compassion
BE Empathy
Just BE Love

We each have so much power to be the change
we wish to see in the world
to see a better world for the next generation

We just have to focus on how we are manifesting
our thoughts, our words, our deeds
and how we are putting that out there
into the world

The more we each put out Love
The less Hate

HOPE
I still believe and have
HOPE

Patty-Ann

Misunderstood

David spoke at a UVU conference about "being misunderstood" after he had gotten thousands of hateful, angry replies to a tweet he had posted online which was a quote from a General Conference relating to what family means to HIM.

 (I am not going to post the specific tweet because my MAIN focus here is on the words "being misunderstood" and what that can do to someone).

David stated: "though I do firmly believe in God's order of the family, never had I intended to imply homophobic, belittling, political statements, however the damage had been done"

"I was now living what had ALWAYS been my fear before my Mission: of being misunderstood and taken the wrong way".

When I heard David speak about this feeling and "fear of being misunderstood and things taken the wrong way", that it was his worst nightmare, it resonated with me so much, because I have felt this way so many times myself, and believe me, it is an awful, awful feeling.

For me, I can tell you that when I "fear being misunderstood and things taken the wrong way",  it makes me not want to trust, not want to open up to people, not want to be on social media, not want to engage. It makes me withdraw and pushes me further back, further away from people where I honestly don't even want to communicate with anyone.

It is very hard for me to be on social media where people who don't know you can easily misinterpret your intention, judge you wrongly based on their own assumptions, and I can only imagine for David how it must be a million times harder with so many voices online.

He said it was his worst fear and I can relate to that.  If you've been misundertood many times over, you begin to not even trust yourself anymore...you know in your heart what you mean, but to have negative thoughts thrown back at you, and you know you're intentions were good, it really hurts. Because I put a lot of thought into what I'm going to say, when it gets misinterpreted, I have a hard time dealing with that. For some, speaking up or speaking their minds, comes easily. For me, it takes a lot of courage to even speak up sometimes.

Sometimes I just have to stay away from social media and interacting online (I totally understand why David must feel like this at times) because I see so many people jump to conclusions and judgments about others way too quickly, without any thought.

I always always remind myself that I don't know a person well enough to make harsh judgments about them. I don't know their life, their heart, or what they've been through to make them say or do the things they do. And, yes, I'm not perfect, and I know I, too, am guilty of judging others at times too, in my head or, perhaps I've talked to someone, a friend, about it, but I still reflect upon the fact that I shouldn't and I try to refrain from posting any of these judgments I may have because I don't really know them, and I try really hard not to say anything online to offend someone, even if I feel I have been offended.  

Maybe you can understand this maybe not, but you see, since I do put so much thought into things, for me to be misunderstood or my intentions not understood, it just really makes me sad, because I know I'm always trying to look at the other person's side of things or feelings.  I felt just as bad when it happened to Davd.

I wish people weren't so quick to post whatever they feel like, without any thought, of how it might really hurt another.

The worst feeling in the world is when you know someone has the completely wrong impression of you...and there is nothing you can do about it. I know the feeling and it sucks. I guess it boils down to accepting that people really don't know who you are deep down inside.

Emotional scars are just as important to me as physical scars.  They can bring a person's soul and worth down to nothing and it's very hard to build yourself up again, especially when some people don't even have a big support system.   It's important to have at least one person who will listen and understand.

God has been my savior and I talk to him all the time, and David's music has uplifted me many times, but it's good to have a family member or at least, one or two friends you can lean on when you're really feeling down about being misunderstood by others because I can tell you by my own experience that it ate away at my soul and made me feel very down, and it's not easy to pick yourself back up again.

Angels Amongst Us

I had the most beautiful conversation today with a father and his daughter while I was waiting at the doctor's office. At first it just started with how cold it was outside but then he told me just keeping smiling like you do because you have a beautiful smile. But then he said something I couldn't believe. He said I feel LIGHT from you. As soon as you walked in I saw and felt that LIGHT.  We talked, and him and his daughter were both very spiritual people, and he said when someone is very connected to GOD they can see it and feel it in others.  It's like a spiritual connection and he said that when I walked in he could feel it and see it in me.  He told me God is very close to me.  We shared more conversation. He also likes photography. When I asked him his name he said well, you probably won't believe me when I tell you so he showed me his card.  His first name was "Angel".  He was from South America, Equador.  He told me the more you pray and the more intimate you become with God the more you recognize it in others.  I truly enjoyed our conversation.

I felt really protected after that. I believe there are Angels amongst us guiding us and protecting us.